Dear YCWTS readers,
one of my goals when I started this substack was to use it as an opportunity to play around with different writing styles. I want to avoid just rewriting a favourite reality TV scene without really challenging myself to try something new. Sometimes I’m inspired by books I’ve read; for example, my second piece was loosely inspired by We the Animals by Justin Torres which I read in December, whereas other times I’ve just wanted to play around with perspective which is why my fourth piece was written from the POV of a dog.
This piece was very clearly inspired by Girl, Woman, Other by Bernardine Evaristo. It’s an incredible book that I re-read last month after having (humble brag) met Evaristo at the Berlin Literary Festival last year and got her to sign my copy. I love Girl, Woman, Other so much and I’ve been wanting to try writing in this style for a while now. I am amazed at what Evaristo is able to accomplish with language, (lack of) punctuation, and a deep, intimate knowledge of her characters.
Writing in this style was so much fun. So was playing with the backdrop of Berlin, a city I have lived in now for 15 years (sadly I was out of town when the Housewives were here). I hope you enjoy reading this piece as much as I enjoyed writing it!
(also, many thanks to my small splattering of instagram followers who helped me decide what to write about this month)
This is a literary retelling of a real scene from RHOBH. It can be found at approximately the 13 minute mark.
Audio Version:
approx 1000 words
Erika or Mrs. Girardi to the employees who work at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel in Berlin who organize dinner parties for her and the other Housewives: Kyle, Teddy, Rinna, Vanderpump, Dorit (but not for Mikey, her creative director, who is also around here somewhere) is the host of this girl's trip to Berlin she is however, just Erika to Axel a personal shopper who showers the women with patterned silk housecoats pink fur jackets champagne compliments attention these poor Germans, Erika says in her confessional after having spent over 3000€ at KaDeWe, Berlin's high-end department store, a symbol of West Germany's economic power when Berlin was not one city but two this is a very high maintenance group of women, she says all of us are a little fucking nuts tonight Erika has organized a boat trip; it will take place during The Festival of Lights, an annual event in October where various monuments around the city like the Brandenburg Gate the Staatsoper the TV tower the Berliner Dom and St. Hedwigs Cathedral are lit up with incredible projections and light displays created by artists and organizations from all around the world (highly recommend) but instead of being excited the women will groan and Dorit will say I thought we said no boats and Rinna will say I fear boats with these women because bad things happen on a boat all because during their boat trip in Hong Kong last year, Rinna asked Dorit if people were doing coke in the bathroom during one of her dinner parties and Eileen mentioned Erika's son who is a police officer to which Erika famously snarled you don't know what I deal with every night with tears streaming down her face so it makes sense why these women are afraid Vanderpump has gone back to L.A. early to receive an award for her documentary about the Yulin Dog Meat Festival so it is just Kyle, Dorit, Rinna and Teddy who wait for Erika in the sprinter van outside the hotel they are dressed in their Berlin finest: leather jackets and studded belts and red thigh high boots and plunging secretary/dominatrix blouses with bras showing (everyone, that is, except Teddy who is in a sparkly silver mini dress and sad ankle boots and complains that she didn't get the memo! is this a costume party or is this a girl's trip where we're sightseeing??????) Erika is 15 minutes late, 20 minutes late, and Kyle starts to get nervous because if they're late won't the boat leave without them? (of course it won't) the driver tells them it will take 30 minutes to get from the hotel to the boat so the women decide to leave Erika behind—she is not answering her phone—and hold the boat we will hold the boat! they chant they drive through the city, past sex shops with leather fetish gear in the windows, and arrive at a little park beside the Oberbaumbrücke where the boat is waiting for them (of course it is) they order drinks and stand out on the bow and say things like this is a very different skyline from Hong Kong and look how pretty that bridge is and is Erika coming? back at the hotel, Erika finally manoeuvres herself into a black car Mikey has succeeded in squeezing her into a red latex turtle neck with puffy sleeves and a black mini skirt a high ponytail and strong bangs red lipstick and serious eyebrows she is very hard and shiny but somehow also looks delicate, like she's made of porcelain like underneath it all she is ready to crack leave it to me to want to pull off some latex look in Berlin, she says in a confessional I'm late because of the lube and the babypowder it's like a perfect storm when the car arrives, Erika gets out and thanks the driver she walks across the road and steps onto the sidewalk, each step perfectly performed, eyes staring straight ahead at the boat like she is laser focused on getting her arrival right and therefore not at all aware of her immediate surroundings which is important in Berlin because there is always a piece of broken glass or a lump of dog shit lying in wait for the unsuspecting pedestrian today though it is a man on a bicycle the brakes screech long and loud as the two almost collide and the man slows but doesn't stop why would he? Berlin is a city made for bikes unless you own a car and then it is a city made for cars unless you are a pedestrian and then it is a city that is so incredibly walkable and also the buses/trams/trains are great unless of course the transport union is striking and unless there is construction and therefore months (or years) of schienenersatzverkehr and unless there is polizeieinsatz which is a catch all term for something has happened and now you will be late the man on the bike misses Erika by an inch, lowering his foot to the ground to push himself past her he doesn't bat an eye, doesn't look at her, doesn't say oooooh wooooow when he sees her extravagant outfit he just keeps going because in Berlin people can dress however the fuck they want and no one cares poor but sexy, as the mayor once said Erika though stops and glares at him and for maybe the first time in Real Housewives history she turns and looks directly at the camera and it is not cut by production her face is stiff but underneath it says can you fucking believe that it says did you fucking see that? it says this asshole almost hit me and then this outfit that Mikey and I spent so much time planning and getting me into what with the baby powder and the lube would have been ruined which is maybe the worst thing that could possibly happen her immovable face is a masterclass in non reaction in hiding
I'm formally requesting a piece on the Dinner From Hell from Allison DuBois' POV!!!!!
Loved this format so much! Amazing job!